(SPELL CHECK HAS NOT BEEN APPLIED: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
5/30/23
I write to you after nearly meeting my end from choking on a whole garbanzo bean yesterday
Don't ask how that came to be, details are not important.
All I can say is that it would have been, hands down, the stupidest way to die.
Especially because the Youtube videos open on my laptop at the time of were a variety of self-help gurus and tarot pick a card readings.
The mortification of my dead body being found alone in my room in this sad, pathetic state would've be enough to kill me a second time if the garbanzo hadn't done a good enough job of it
Story about my dumb near death experience aside,
Today I'm thinking about how appreciative I am to have the close friends that I do
Today I'm thinking about the three succulents I keep on my windowsill.
I'm thinking about how I was not born with a green thumb
And how at first, they almost died
out of sheer neglect
Resilient as these little guys are though
I had more chances than I deserved
to fail and fail again
before eventually succeeding in reforming
myself
into a better caretaker
And since then, I'm happy to report they've been doing
quite well
People are not like plants
but they're not entirely dissimilar either
It's in some ways the behavior required for
being a good friend is contradictory to my programming
because I was born selfish and with a strong penchant for self-preservation
masquerading as independance.
I'm thinking about how I was not born with a green thumb
But for some reason I've been blessed
and really it's a wonder that I have been able to cultivate these three little succulents and
though I'm not the type who can upkeep a beautiful, lavish garden
what I have is lovelier than I would've considered as a possibility for me
I think people who've known a certain kind of alienation are more willing to tolerate my social deficiencies
And because we can see something of ourselves in the other, neither person takes the friendship for granted.
It's the positive side of having experienced a particular kind of loneliness
Have you ever seen the movie Bride of Frankenstein(1935) starring Boris Karloff?
It's kind of like that
In truth, I wouldn't have sought out these three little succulents of my own accord
in fact, I only ended up with them because the party they were being used as decorative objects at would've been thrown them away at the end of the night if I hadn't scooped em up
Lack of green thumb be damned, I figured they at least
stood a greater chance of survival with me than they would in a dumpster
but I wouldn't have brought them home if I'd felt they had a better alternative.
It wouldn't have been right.
In the end, I'm glad I did though because
it forced me to rise to the occasion and since then,
they fill me with happiness every time I look at them
I don't think it would be kind for me to seek out new friendships
because I'm not high-functioning enough to consistantly meet the needs of another person unfortunately
and in the instances where I feel naturally inclined to be that support for somebody
the well from which that inclination sprung often ends up corroding me from the inside.
No thanks
Vouching for myself
in contexts like these
is like a sleazy salesman
trying to convince you to buy a junk car
when the lot next door is full of perfectly adaquate ones.
No thanks
Plus, when you weren't born with a green thumb
even knowing the most likely outcome of taking a plant home
doesn't make it feel any less shitty when they die
Thinking about these things gives me a semi-nauseous feeling in my stomach
which is funny because machines aren't supposed to feel